Behind closed doors

I often hear from friends or clients how much they admire everything I do. “I don’t know how you do it all.” or “You’re a superwoman.” No, no, that’s all bullcrap. I am not as on top of my game as people assume, and honestly I don’t even know where that illusion comes from.

I am very open about the fact that more often than not, I am drowning. I am exhausted, overwhelmed, overworked and most definitely underpaid (like most entrepreneurs).

Homeschool

At the same time, I am almost certain there is not much about my life I would choose to change. Homeschooling gives us so much freedom, yet it can be terrifying at times to know you are soley responsible for your child’s education and that is a heavy burden to carry.
I often second guess myself and the decision to continue with home education. I wonder if we’re spending enough time on certain concepts or too much on another. Should I focus on all 500 subjects or let them explore the ones they’re passionate about?

The only thing I am not concerned about is socialisation. That is a total misconception from society and truth be told, my children spend way more time socialising with friends than I ever did as a child.

Business

I often say I am completely unemployable, then people think I’m joking. It is a very accurate statement though. I have been self employed for most of my life and the short periods where I was employed, especially when I worked in a corporate environment was absolutely dreadful. I cannot see myself doing that ever again.

Of course when business is slow I contemplate going to work for someone else. However just the idea of updating my CV (if I can find it), going to an interview, making small talk with potential future colleagues is already more than I can bear. That doesn’t even take into account the early mornings, sitting in traffic then spending my entire day with people I didn’t choose to have in my life, let alone converse with. No thank you. I choose the late nights, lying awake stressing about empty bank accounts, unpaid bills, wonky designs and other people’s wedding dresses.

Motherhood

As a mother I am trying my best, yet I am failing miserably, daily. I am trying to be the fun mom, the “let’s bake flap jacks and I’ll pretend my OCD is not kicking in when there’s flour eeeeveeeerywheeereee” mom.

Sadly, many days, I’m the “not now” mom. The “in a minute” mom that forgets and has to be reminded an hour later. The “can you ask your brother for help” mom. The mom that just needs to fonish one more design or do one more layout, one more meeting, because that’s what pays the bills.

It’s easy to say that one shouldn’t feel bad about it, because ultimately meeting their most basic needs should be top priority. Yet when you realise that everyone gets a yes from you except your children, that hits differently.

I am trying to be a better mother. I will fail, countless more times, but I will wake up each day and try a little more than the day before.

Relationship

Relationships take work to maintain. Once you’ve had a failed marriage, you’re more determined than ever to put effort in developing a healthy, respectful relationship. You’ve learnt to pick your battles.
When both of you are tired and frustrated, though, the battles seem to pick you.
We can never truly put ourselves in one another’s shoes or fully comprehend the other person’s challenges or frustrations. We can however appreciate what they bring to the table and support without ridicule.

Both of us are terrible at being in relationships. We don’t like emotions, drama, being smothered or told what to do. So we are continually working on improving our relationship, sometimes a little louder and less friendly than other times, but it is a daily commitment to choose each other.